Far away to come close again

I feel far away from progress
That I thought I'd made once upon a time.
I don't have answers to certain questions; Important ones. Well, to me anyway.
But there's a whole lot of hope
Because
GOD
....
Tonight, that's good.
Good to rest and let go
Of failings and questions and fears and regrets
...
GOD. {breathe}
Jesus. {breathe a little deeper}
G r a c e {close your eyes to find sleep. It's ok to let go. To rest}

Saw this on pinterest.                                   

And I really like it. 

but here in the mountainous desert, where rain is awesome, I want to smile when the climb is ascending. 
I can be so tempermental and todays temperment was rough.
I'm trying to smile
kind of
but I just want to go to sleep. hide away. shake my head. wave a white flag.

I like

PEOPLE

who smile 

when it's

ASCENDING. 

I need you Jesus. I can't do this on my own. 

not even close. 

Joy

“Some of us know what it is like to be too happy to live. The love of God has been so overpoweringly experienced by us on some occasions that we almost had to ask God to stop the delight. If he had not veiled his love & glory just a bit we would have died for joy.” -Charles Spurgeon 

There have been so many changes lately. Both outside my body and inside my soul. I have been so overcome with joy in certain moments I can taste just the smallest taste of this concept so beautifully portrayed by Spurgeon. 
First the churching. The ground must be churned. Then it can be made to support life by turning into into the ground dead things, refuse and unused parts. Then the furtile ground recieves a gift and new life can begin. This gift, this seed, the gift of God; the Holy Spirit transforms this plot into a birthplace. Garden in my heart, Lord. I know I am too selfish and small to want it from you in the moment. But I welcome you, I will myself to ask you to wreck me for you, so that I can be yours most fully. 

my baby

You could have been my baby. 

You always still will be. 

Although you couldn't be farther from me. 

In another life we'll see

all the ways He held you close

all the ways you knew Him. 

Maybe it's a fairy tale

but so could all my fears

If I'm going to imagine 

And live our lives so far apart

I'll think of all the crazy ways

He is comforting your heart

This wandering and wasteland

Is a garden in His hands

I will think of how life blooms 

Wherever Jesus stands.

where I live

I live in Arizona. The ground outside is part granite and that's how I justify the fact that I have never cultivated a garden. I know other people here have gardens. But somehow this excuse satisfies the pull inside, nagging about the benefits of my own vegetable and herb garden. Sort of.

So ya, I live in Arizona. And during the summer, let me tell you it is boiling outside. Everyone is running around in bathing suits or at least shorts and tank tops. My legs have spider veins and that's partly how I justify the fact that I never wear shorts and shy away from swimming with my kids. That excuse satisfied the pull inside, nagging about how self consumed I have become. Sort of.

Then I read this in the past year and it as so very good.

So I'm trying something new. I'm trying to bloom where I'm planted. I'm trying to give up the excuses of circumstance that I use to justify why I don't live like I believe I should. I'm trying to look at this Arizona desert as fertile ground, because it is. In it's own way.

And so, I've determined this summer to look at my spider veins as an opportunity instead of an excuse. I've been running around exercising in the early morning in my shorts, looking at these decorative beauties
and choosing to marvel at the mystery of the human body. Veins and arteries carrying blood away and towards my heart without a single effort of any conscious thought. Each moment my body properly functions in this capacity is an absolute miracle. It's takes my breath away how often I have taken for granted these beautiful creations of transport.

So one step at a time, I'm reprogramming that running narrative inside my mind. This is fertile ground where I've been planted. I will not be afraid to bloom and grow.